Thinking in circles

Met a friend for lunch today and discussed our different artistic approaches. We each have to keep doing our own thing. Discussed a bit about this interdie studies things. He wonders if the boundaries should be set tighter, but I guess that’s also one of the questions that the work raises.

Went to the library to read - wish I brought a computer to take notes and reflections so I don’t have to type anything from scratch now. Anyway did a post on my phone to file some pictures.

Had the book printed and it costed over 11 something dollars. 2 page to 1 A4, mistake because the font sizes are too small, so strained my eyes a bit. Still, it’s faster than reading soft copy. And can make notes and underline things and flip fro and back and think.

Finished chapter 1. Okay. Applying the many ideas to indie studies make me tire quickly. Eg on its discussion on the inconsistencies of social definition of impersonation. Seems more okay for someone to pretend to be “disesteemed, non-crucial, profane status”, like a hobo, but not someone to pretend to be a “someone of sacred status” like a doctor. I wonder if “artist” is esteemed or disesteemed? I wonder if “hard-working student” or “clever/smart person” is esteemed or disesteemed. depends on the society that is defining it isn’t it? A “phd student” is esteemed, and a “lazy, but smart phd student” is even more than a “uptight phd student”. how about a “hobo student”? a hardworking uptight hobo student is more esteemed than a lazy hobo student. but a uptight phd student is more esteemed than a uptight hobo student?

and then is a hardworking uptight artist more esteemed than a lazy boho artist or not? no, the comparison for hardworking is lazy, uptight is relaxed, and boho should be a… gallery representation or institutional recognition?

Came out of my library and put my phone out on dnd and then saw that cca tagged me on ig but i haven’t updated my ig feed in one year although I had planned to as previously posted, and so I went to do it quickly finally. I wish I had an IT department to go to. Wait, I do. Just that I am my own IT department and I suck. There’s just so much admin to do. Yet it’s not just admin, is it.

The work that I published on Ig, following the one year centering the margin poster post > yes it was so mafan (troublesome) to post that I put it off for one year. there were 11 paintings and photos and captions and… okay anyway it’s done, i put it up on my website now also. okay. it’s done. It’s a collaborative work as well, back then, and I had forgotten the blurb liner and then, I pulled it out and then I realise how conceptually related that and this project is. It’s a good thing that I’m just consistently curious about the same things unconsciously.

And I recall the ups and downs of the collaboration, and one important difference is that this project is open ended, unlike the previous one where we had to come up with something to exhibit within that short amount of time, and hence more about the tangible outcome than the process. Even if this project just ends and nobody achieves any tangible thing that’s also okay no stress. We’re just studying together, each has personal reasons for taking part. I didn’t even ask people what were their reasons.

Planning can be planned but not everything can be planned. I imagined that the hierarchy would be flat and I wouldn’t care much. But I quickly realised that the hierarchy cannot be flat because I am the initiator, and I am the only person who knows everybody. I could have cared less as I planned. But I underestimated how neurotic I am when I lack sleep, and how responsible I would feel, and that this project will have an extension into my social media engagement whatever, so that’s like a big hmm, that can only be realised upon experiencing and reflecting and well, processing?

So, there’s a lot of admin to do. I have to update Isaac’s profile and Ratna doesn’t have a profile, although they are both registered and added to the groups, now there’s more and more things to update. But I guess if I want to learn to relax then I must get used to these awkwardnesses of work piling up.

So I think it comes down to what is it that I myself esteem, that sets the developmental goal. relaxed over uptight yes. but also hardworking/responsible and not lazy. How to be hardworking but also relaxed? Hardworking and responsibility are different things. maybe I should at least de-prioritize being overly-responsible, especially to others. hardworkingness comes from existential fear of time running out, you know? but relaxness comes from not caring if time runs out? Ah… this goes back to the conclusion for the essay that I was supposed to upload on day 1 but I didn’t have time to edit in the inputs.

If I didn’t care then I would have just put up on day 1 without checking, but it’s that responsibility thing again. It comes from what? From my family culture I think, but what’s driving it. Some kind of of “hardwire”? It’s probably the same old confucian x daoist conundrum. I am worried about being too honest now.

The chapter ends with some suggestions on honest and dishonest performances.

I want to go and rest and watch the Dark Crystal. I have another post in my head about the Skeksis x the text regarding “secret consumption” but I want to go and rest now. The Skeksis scare me. But I also scare myself.

Tomorrow I’m going to take a break from thinking in these circles and study something else. I think I self-studied/worked for 2+3+1+4= 10 hours? no no. less. was doing some other work. There’s also another piece of reflection on time and tangible output that I had wanted to unpack. :( this should be prioritised perhaps?